Relaxation within, despite.

Mind filled with fleeting thoughts

Rivers of dead waters running through

My poisoned mind.

In search for happiness I probably could never find.

It is cupid of me to think

That life is all sweet and honey,

That one day: challenges will cease to exist,

That I'll wake up with a chest as light as a feather,

That I'll constantly smile without worry till the day I meet death.

But love, there's nothing lovely about the hell we live in.

It's a crazy habituate that has us lost in a place We all call home.

Hold on to yourself. Sweet paradise.

Don't let yourself go.

Don't lose yourself amid the troubles.

These problems are merely a mirror that shows you how strong and undefeated you truly are. Of course right now you feel like a complete failure or maybe you just don't see yourself as great, or worthy of anything.... . Me too. I don't see it, but there are so many things I have been through in this life and trust me, you might feel weak, incompetent, useless or worthless. Key word is feel. That does not mean that that's who you are. It's just a feeling!

And what are feelings?

Feelings are - Self perceptions of specific emotions.

What this means is that, feelings are subjective to emotions. You may feel ugly, that doesn't necessarily mean that you are ugly.

We go through our day to day lives feeling a certain way on different days. Sometimes you could feel a certain way(In this case, negative) for way to long and you start seeing yourself as that. But in all honesty, feelings are mental. They have nothing to do with your true essence.

At this point I feel stuck and alone. It's not that I don't have people in my life who care, they do. But it hits different when you have people that understand. For me understanding slaps different. I could've distracted myself by listening to music or by watching series or just scroll through social media just so I can take my mind off these fleeting thoughts, but I didn't. I acknowledged the fact that that's how I felt, and it's okay to just feel your emotions knowing that they are just feelings meant to be felt. Nothing true to it, just a feeling. It's meant to come and go. Ever wondered why all these feelings keep coming back in full force?

I think it's because we don't face them, the minute we feel a way, our first instinct is to run and we do this by distracting ourselves.

It took me a couple of hours(the whole afternoon) to soak myself in this feeling of feeling alone, abandoned and just feeling as though life has fucked me so hard that I am unable to walk. I don't currently have the solution to what makes me feel worthless in the first place, but I can bodly say that right now, I feel calm. There's a sense of peace that comes with acceptance. And no, acceptance is not defeat. Acceptance is the first step to stopping your internal war.

The worst kind of conflict one can ever have is when you're against yourself. When we feel a way and choose to do something cause it will make us feel better. What you're actually doing is ignoring yourself. You're ignoring the fact that you need yourself, you need to give yourself attention at that moment. Even if you feel a way over nothing, trust me there's nothing like that. What I mean is, everything has a source of creation. You might think it's nothing but it was triggered by something. Not sitting with these negative emotions is you suppressing them. Emotions are energy and you can not always be happy with bottling things up. (lol I am the master of bottling things up!).... But I'm trying to speak up. Hence, the blog! 😋

And again just because something is precieved, it doesn't mean that it's true.

When was the last time you stopped focusing on your L's and just took a second to celebrate your small victories. Congratulating yourself for making your bed? It's a victory! Washing the dishes even though you really didn't feel like it? Or something as small as eating a fruit when you've been eating junk the whole week? Or simply noticing the small things you do for yourself that make you happy, like the one time you decided to exercises, even though it was short-lived (3 days max) it's still something, at the end of the day you tried!

Gratitude to oneself is mandatory. You can't wait for that car or that house for you to celebrate yourself, what if they never come? (God forbid! ) but, when will you stop chasing and stressing over a future that doesn't exist and just take a second to see the beauty around you. The fact that you got water, electricity, a roof over your head, a meal and someone/people who really love you and care.

My life is not perfect, it's full of chaos but today made me réalise that, you can definetly still be joyful in the midst of trouble. That the absence of peace is not sadness. It is really true when they say that all you truly need is in the now. You might not even wake up to see the tomorrow you're stressing about.

I know, life can be really tough. And I want you to know that you're not alone.

Have a beautiful week ahead and I am sending you love, light, joy and peace 💚. Stay blessed always ☯️.